Taking a Korff

Offensive? Sure. What most people think of KKK? Yep.

Watcher Katu: Korff Observation 63529

I your humble Watcher Katu bring to you news that the Living Tribunal's spies have infiltrated the being Kal K. Korff's flop house. A raid to bring the vile creature Kal K. Korff to justice is now being planned by the Living Tribunal's own SAPSTOE. The spies have successfully planted one camera in a bedrom and here you can see the being Kal K. Korff in a compromising position with Martina Tycova.

Watcher Katu: Korff Observation 75692

I your humble Watcher Katu reveal to you from the historic archive of the Watchers one of the many disguises used by the being Kal K. Korff. The being Kal K. Korff is now considered a univesal fugitive from justice. I your Watcher Katu will provide many more images of the being Kal K. Korff in disguise so that you might recognize him and bring this vile being before the Living Tribunal so that the hand of justice can crush the being Kal K. Korff. As you can see, the being Kal K. Korff is a master of disguise.

Watcher Katu: Korff Observation 75136

I your humble Watcher Katu come to you humbled, for I have wronged the being known as Kal K. Korff. The being Kal K. Korff claims to be involved in something he calls the Body Human Project. While many of the claims made by the being Kal K. Korff have to be proved, I reveal here to you for the first time an inside look at the being Kal K. Korff's Body Human Project.

blah blah yap yap flap trap same old crap

Watcher Katu: Korff Observation 23567

I your humble Watcher Katu bring to you disturbing news. Now that the being Kal K. Korff is an international fugitive, it seems he might know no bounds. For behold his earth based Internet message forum boards where people freely post pornographic links to websites known as smut. Yet the being Kal K. Korff openly judges others for the use of some bad language. Is the being Kal K. Korff allowing others to post pornographic website links? Is the being Kal K. Korff not afraid that children may find such links? The being Kal K. Korff often speaks of responsibility, truth, and ethics. The being Kal K. Korff should be ashamed to judge others if he has not the ability to maintain order in his own house, as the earth saying goes. I your humble Watcher Katu am thoroughly disgusted.

COMPOSITE ARTIST GIVES UPDATED LOOK AT FUGITIVE KORFF

Be on the look out for the man in the above police composite drawing. Korff was recently seen by witnesses digging in the garbage bin of a McDonald's restaurant near the city center of Prague. Korff is to be considered delusional and extremely hungry. Keep all food indoors and do not allow small pets or children to wander unattended. Do not allow your fingers to come within reach of Korff's mouth if you encounter him.

Korff is described by authorities as a fat little man with a chip the size of a Big Mac on his shoulder and an actual Big Man on his other shoulder. Korff sports a rather large ego accompanied by an even larger imagination and delusional state. Korff likes to play soccer and pretends to be a counter terrorism official, an author with a five-hundred book deal, a ballet instructor, an english teacher, a gnome, and an asshole though this has proved to be true.

Some distinguishing features on Korff are his rather loud mouth, his excessive speech, excessive hair all over his body except for his pubic area, a set of testicles that never dropped, and his ability to make excuses for every mistake he has ever made in his life while taking his insecurities out on others instead of being a man and owning up to his own problems. Korff was last seen sporting some very fashionable finger nail art and was giving a piggy-back ride to a white bald male subject who was yelling, "That's right! Who's your Billy bitch? I'm Semjase's daddy! Say it you pig! Faster you parasite! "

If you sight Korff, you are urged to call the international toll-free number to contact the three major agencies searching for Korff - Beanie Babies International Club, Iron Man and Stark Enterprises, and the One at 1-KAL-SUCKS-IT.

Korff's alleged wild antics were among the many cited reasons for Korff's banishment from the club. In accordance with the club's charter, any member who is voted out must surrender their entire Beanie Babies collection without delay. Upon completion of the vote, Korff barricaded himself inside a tiny apartment in Prague.

The club was then forced to dispatch its ultra secret special operations unit to take Korff into custody and take control of his Beanie Babies collection. An unidentified member of the special ops team said, "We used Beanie Baby Goatee Ram to bust in the door and Korff was no where to be found. How he got out sure as hell beats me."

When asked what was found inside the apartment, the unidentified person stated, "In my years I've seen nothing like it. Vaseline rubbed on the walls, hundreds of boxes of Bazooka Joe chewing gum, an entire collection of Soldiers of Fortune magazine with the eyes and mouths cut out on the covers, a bed of nails, a trampoline, and so much weird *&#%."

When asked about the Beanie Babies collection stored at Korff's residence, the special ops member was visibly shaken and refused to comment only saying, "There will be retribution."

Korff is now considered an international fugitive by the club. The club's president, Alana Hula Bear, said that the organization is currently in talks with the Watcher Katu and Iron Man about pooling resources to consolidate the focus of hunting Korff down.

More as this story continues to develop.

Watcher Katu: Korff Observation 99951

I, your humble Watcher Katu, come to you once again with another contradiction from the being Kal K. Korff. Within the historic archives of The Watchers, an entire sector of the historicarchives is preserved for the recording of the contradictions made by the being Kal K. Korff.

The being Kal K. Korff states the following - "Mockery and name calling are NOT legitimiate or credible forms of research."

Yet the being Kal K. Korff has referred to other people as "bozos", "clowns", and "the penis gallery" among other names. Yet another in a long list of contradictions stated by the being Kal K. Korff.

Korff BANNED from Beanie Babies International Club

It is OFFICIAL! Beanie Babies International Club Votes to BAN Korff!



New York City -- In yet another stunning turn of events, the president of the International Beanie Babies Club has held an emergency meeting regarding the membership status of long time club member Kal K. Korff.

Club president Alana Hula Bear told the press today, "I had to call the meeting due to the irrational behavior of Kal. The guy is making us look bad and that is not what we're about. I am shocked and dismayed at the abhorrent behavior Kal is displaying. And this business about being some officer in some sort of counter terror group? Well, let me just state for the record on behalf of Beanie Babies worldwide, it sounds like a bunch of monkey s**t to me."

In an unprecedented unanimous vote, the club chose to immediately revoke Korff's status and membership privileges including the right to choose from new and exclusive Beanie Babies before they hit the market.

"If you ask me the guy is quackers and we should have ousted him long ago," said club vice-president Jemima Puddle Duck. "This is a good thing for Beanie Babies all across the world. I can't just sit on a shelf collecting dust and let this go without some consequence."

American Blessing, one of a few new Beanie Babies produced in support of U.S. troops, said, "This guy had the brass to call one of our good fighting men a coward? The most he has likely ever served this country was asking someone if they wanted to super size their combo meal. What? Someone already used that line? Damn it. Okay, anyway, this Korff dude is a disgrace to my country and the troops in the field actually fighting real terrorism. The guy don;t even live in the world's greatest country. He chose to leave and I hope he don't come back ever again."

In addition to being banned from the club, Korff will also be forced to surrender his Beanie Babies collection, which is said to be one of the largest in the world. The collection is reported to be currently stored in a small studio apartment somewhere in Prague. Unconfirmed reports have emerged that Korff, upon hearing the news of being banned from the club, has barricaded himself in the apartment.

"Our organization just can't take this kind of heat right now. I mean, look at this mess with Iron Man, that bad dude the Living Tribunal, and the big tall guy with the bald head too big for his body watching everyone and taking notes. Do the math. Adios, Korff," stated a visibly upset Austin Backyardigan.

"This might not end well. I just hope Kal has the sense to know when he's outnumbered, outsmarted, and outclassed. If it comes to it, I am ready to call for an emergency deployment of our special operations unit," gravely said Alana Hula Bear.

Dark Blue Peanut the Elephant made a rare public appearance at the voting session. "It is sad to see this day. Kal has been a member of this club since the beginning. And now he's pulling this nutty crap and turning on us all? I just hope Kal ends this peacefully. This is a dark day in Beanie Baby history and I'm not sure we'll ever recover from the damage," stated Dark Blue Peanut Elephant, who is the rarest among Beanie Babies.

Reports just prior to press time indicate that Alana Hula Bear has dispatched the beanie Babies special operations unit to Prague. Updates as they are received-------

Watcher Katu: Korff Observation 29254

I your humble Watcher Katu, given permission to become directly involved in your earth affairs, reveal to you yet more astonishing information about the being known as Kal K. Korff and the Super Secret Services. For the first time this vital information found in the historical archives of The Watchers is made available to all Earth beings.

I reveal a top-secret surveillance satellite image showing the dreaded urban assault vehicle the Special Secret Services plan to unleash. In this image you can observe the being kal K. Korff arriving to transport secret agent Martina Tycova to a top-secret meeting of the Beanie Babies International Club.


This highly functional and technologically advanced vehicle is equipped with the latest weapons and electronic counter measure devices. Do not be deceived by its simple design or look. You have been warned.

Colonel Sanders Announces Plan To Release KFC Audit EXPOSING Korff

New York City (Daily Bugle) --

In a rush announcement made in front of members of the international press, Colonel Sanders announced that KFC would soon be releasing its audit of Kal K. Korff's claims. Colonel Sanders, accompanied by his audit staff as seen in the photo above, had little to say during the announcement.

"It ain't looking good at all for this Korff character. In addition to KFC's audit finding some real and embarrassing problems for Korff, I am also filing a lawsuit against Korff for using colonel in his title. Hell, everyone knows that I am the one and only true Colonel. My rank was officially given to me by a an official member of government. It wasn't cooked up in some deep fryer. I will expose Korff as the impostor he is!," said Colonel Sanders.

"I may sue this Korff fool here, maybe in Japan, who knows where. KFC has over fifteen-hundred stores worldwide so I can choose the time and place. With so many stores and the employees working those stores, it will be easy for my chicken empire's hand to reach out and touch this Korff joker," Colonel Sanders added.

Sanders quickly left the brief conference saying, "I got me an impostor to fry and I have the breading and spices to make it happen."

At press time, Kal K. Korff responded with a cryptic message saying something about a "toilet plunger" and a "toy Smurf."

The Daily Bugle will keep you updated as this story continues to unfold.

From the historical archives

I, your humble Watcher Katu, reveal to you the audience at the latest press conference held by the being Kal K. Korff. It is as you say on earth a captive audience.

IRON MAN TO HUNT KORFF!

DAILY BUGLE BREAKING NEWS!

DAILY BUGLE BREAKING NEWS

New York City -- In yet another incredible turn of events, the Daily Bugle has learned that the extraterrestrial known as the Living Tribunal has been selected to moderate a debate between Kal K. Korff and Roswell UFO researcher and war hero Dr. Kevin Randle.

When asked if moderating the dabate would conflict with his duties overseeing the prosecution of Korff, the Living Tribunal stated, "Unlike some beings, I can stick to the facts and not allow personal earth emotions to rule me. Korff guilt is certain and this debate is nothing more than an entertaining diversion from my duties."

"I'm just stunned and amazed," said Canadian based film producer, writer, and director Paul Kimball in reaction the news.

Dr. Randle could not be reached for comment as he was crawling through the sand in Iraq, wearing full military gear in blistering desert temperatures, and engaging in fire fights with the enemy as he answered the call to fight for his country instead of sitting at a keyboard calling people cowards.

The Daily Bugle will bring you more as this story continues to develop.......................................

DAILY BUGLE BREAKING NEWS

New York City -- In a stunning turn of events, the Daily Bugle has learned that the extraterrestrial known as the Living Tribunal has been selected to oversee the galactic prosecution of the earth citizen Kal K. Korff.

The Tribunal is a relatively omnipotent entity empowered by the One-Above-All to oversee the realities that constitute the Multiverse, from the mainstream universe to all the alternate realities and pocket universes. Scientists speculate there are millions of such alternate realities and pocket universes in existence.

An appearance by the Living Tribunal is extremely rare and only occurs under exceptional circumstances, such as when passing judgment on Earth, monitoring the actions of other cosmic deities or acting as a referee on matters affecting an entire universe.

Speaking for the Living tribunal was the entity assigned to prosecute Korff, The Watcher Katu, stated, "As I have said in the past of your earth time stream, the guilt of the being Kal K. Korff is certain and the appearance of the Living Tribunal is a formality and nothing more. I, your humble Watcher Katu, will seek the maximum possible against the being Kal K. Korff on all counts of the indictment."

When asked for comment, Korff stated that he had a copy of Strange Tales issue 157 and "it is in mint condition and the prize of my collection, next to the ultra rare Dark Blue Peanut the elephant beanie baby. I may be forced to sell my issue of Strange Tales to get the lights and water turned back on, but I will NEVER sell Peanut the elephant! NEVER!! Have you ever tried bathing in a Wal-Mart bathroom? I will EXPOSE them for their misuse of retail space!!!! "

The Daily Bugle will keep you updated as this incredible story develops...

Watcher Katu: Korff Observation 63172

Found through the historical archives of The Watchers, I your humble Watcher Katu bring to being throughout the universe items of interest that relate to the being Kal K. Korff.

The beings known as The Skeptics have long been in battle with the beings known as The Believers. The being Kal K. Korff has claimed to be not a Believer or a Skeptic, but has instead claimed he is a neutral being. The being Kal K. Korff was given much support by The Skeptics in his work and the publishing of his earth books. Yet know The Skeptics question the mental and physical well being of the being Kal K. Korff.

The historical archives of The Watchers have also revealed earth based news articles and the claims of the earth being Kal K. Korff that seem to contradict many of the claims of the being Kal K. Korff.

Watcher Katu: Korff Observation 49138

I, your humble Watcher Katu, reveal to you for the first time the hidden base of operations for the elusive Special Secret Services. A message of warning to all beings who attempt an assault on this massive fortress: this earth based fortress is heavily armed with the latest in your earth based technological advances, from sophisticated weaponry to intrusion detection equipment. I provide you with a photo of this looming place of death, destruction, and despair.

Watcher Katu: Korff Observation 61896

I your humble Watcher Katu share with you a claim made by the being Kal K. Korff: "Kal Korff has pioneered original concepts and techniques in several fields of study. These include archaeology, artificial intelligence, computing, criminology, forensics, graphical user interfaces, historical research, human interface design, hypermedia, multimedia, nanotechnology, physics, and weaponry."

Can the being Kal K. Korff name two things from each of these categories he has described that the being Kal K. Korff has contributed to and can the being Kal K. Korff provide the proper documentation to support such claims? Your Watcher Katu has been unable to find such in the historical archives of The Watchers. Curious. Curious, indeed.

Countdown to Korff

Time is quickly slipping by for the being Kal K. Korff to accept, reject, or ignore the humble offer from the being Paul Kimball. The being Kevin Randle spared no time in accepting the offer of the being Paul Kimball.

Countdown to Korff

Your humble Watcher Katu once again, here to observe the countdown until August 20, 2007 when the being Kal K. Korff has until that specified earth date to accept or reject the invitation of the being Paul Kimball for the being Kal K. Korff to debate the being known as Kevin Randle over the veracity of a crash of an extraterrestrial ship on the planet Earth in the geographical earth location known as Roswell. Three earth based solar cycles, known as days, remain for the being Kal K. Korff to accept or decline the being Paul Kimball's offer. The being Kevin Randle readily accepted this invitation.

In my observations of this earth based event, I have found that many beings do not believe the being Kal K. Korff to have the fortitude necessary to embrace the challenge presented to him. I invite the thought of all beings on this matter.

Watcher Katu: Korff Observation 68125

Your humble Watcher Katu brings to you some disturbing news. The being you have seen claiming to be Kal K. Korff is a doppelganger. While I, the Watcher Katu, have yet to confirm such information through the historical archives of The Watchers, I have been in secret provided with a photo that is supposed to be the being Kal K. Korff. This photo purports to show the being Kal K. Korff hard at work on a super computer inside the supreme headquarters of the Special Secret Services as the being Kal K. Korff posts to his website.

Korff vs. Randle and the Great Roswell Debate

I, your humble Watcher Katu, share with all beings the news that the earth being known as Paul Kimball has issued a challenge to the being Kal K. Korff. As a Watcher, and based upon my millins of years of observing beings from the far corners of the universe, I foresee that the being known as Kal K. Korff will take the road of the coward and offer a plethora of convenient excuses and unsubstantiated fear in not taking the challenge. No being could argue with any credibility that the challenge is not fair. You shall find this stated and public challenge below.



Korff vs. Randle and the Great Roswell Debate

A few days ago, Kal Korff called Major Kevin Randle a "coward" for allegedly refusing to debate Mr. Korff on the X-Zone radio show about the Roswell case. Of course, no direct invitation or offer was sent to Major Randle, other than the one that Mr. Korff made on the radio show in passing - a show that Major Randle does not listen to. Hardly a bona fide invitation.

Mr. Korff also never mentioned that Mr. Randle has already debated him, back at the height of Roswell's popularity.

No matter, because the X-Zone would hardly have been a neutral forum in which to hold such a debate anyway. The host, Rob McConnell, is a well-known ETH skeptic (to say the least), and often mocks and ridicules proponents of the Roswell case in particular. He is also a friend of Mr. Korff's, and Mr. Korff serves as the "European Bureau Chief" for the X-Zone. In short, on top of the invitation not being bona fide (as it was not directly communicated to major Randle), the X-Zone is not a neutral site for any debate between Mr. Korff and Major Randle.

Halifax, on the other hand, is just such a place.

Accordingly, I extend to Mr. Korff and Major Randle the following offer.

Redstar Films Limited will fly each of you to Halifax, Nova Scotia, at a time of mutual convenience within the next eight months, for a live debate about the Roswell case.

Now, as I am a friend of Major Randle's, I will not be involved in any way, other than paying the airfare, hotel costs, and a per diem for both Mr. Korff and Major Randle, and arranging the venue, most likely at one of Halifax's universities, but possibly at a public library or some other site.

To make sure that Mr. Korff cannot claim any bias here, we would use a moderator qualified by the Nova Scotia Debating Society. The debate would be conducted under cross-examination rules, which means that Mr. Korff and Major Randle would be able to ask each other questions in a structured setting. Finally, it would be conducted in front of a live audience, and video-taped for DVD, broadband and possibly television distribution. Half of the profits, after my costs for staging the debate were recouped, would go to an American military-related veteran's charity or organization that Mr. Korff and Major Randle mutually agreed upon. The other half of the profits would go to a similar Canadian-related veteran's charity or organization.

This invitation will be sent directly to Mr. Korff and Major Randle. It will be posted to UFO Updates, and to a number of message forums to which I belong. I will forward it to The Daily Grail and the Anomalist.

Mr. Korff and Major Randle will have one week to respond - by August 20, 2007 - at which time, if one of them has not responded, I will consider that a "no" and the offer will be pulled off the table.

Paul Kimball

Watcher Katu: Korff Observation 98135

I your humble Watcher Katu share with you the first of many images found within the great historical archives of The Watchers. While beings on the planet Earth have yet to see the supposed secret agent Martina Tycova, your humble Watcher Katu has found an earth based image of Tyocva from a recent assignment she and two other agents from the Special Secret Services were dispatched.

While the being Kal K. Korff has attempted to restrict access to any images of Agent Tycova, the being Kal K. Korff cannot hide from the powerful Watchers. The being Kal K. Korff would be foolish to assume he can escape The Watchers let alone secret any information from us.

I have identified Agent Tycova as the woman in this earth based image. Now Agent Tycova has been unmasked for all to see in her top secret Special Secret Srvices issued cape and mask. It is my duty to point out to all earth beings that the being Kal K. Korff is not alone in the espionage world. For you see, there is another special organization that will reveal itself in due time.

Watcher Katu: Korff Observation 75309

Your humble Watcher Katu brings to you yet another of the contradictions of the earth being known as Kal K. Korff. The being Kal K. Korff judges others for name calling of which he calls unfortunate. Your humble Watcher Katu wishes to demonstrate that the being Kal K. Korff refers to others as "bozos" yet he is critical of others of the same action. Yet another contradiction in the life of the being known as Kal K. Korff.

Watcher Katu: Korff Observation 75309

I your humble Watcher Katu have discovered within the historical archives of The Watchers an earth news article. While this is surely one of billions of such articles from any number of earth news sources, your Watcher Katu finds this article of most interest concerning the earth being Kal K. Korff. Most interesting and quite revealing.

Watcher Katu: Korff Observation 20958

In my attempt to understand the earth being known as Kal K. Korff, your humble Watcher Katu has observed one undeniable fact about the being Kal K. Korff. Your earth word for the observation of this Watcher is contradiction which I have found to be a trait of the being Kal K. Korff.

In an extremely primitive attempt at earthly video production, the being Kal K. Korff delivers a video message to an earth-based law official asking this earth based law official if he is involved in corruption. Yet the earth being Kal K. Korff proclaims this earth law official to positively be involved in corruption and cover up.

The earth being Kal K. Korff accuses a fellow earth being of corruption yet also asks if this same being is corrupt. This well, as far as your humble watcher Katu can observe, is a contradiction. Such a serious accusation involving an earth based law official would require overwhelming evidence. Not even in your earth based courts would the video produced by the being Kal K. Korff and the simple words of the being Kal K. Korff be considered evidence in any earthly proceeding.

Such reasoning among an earth being is illogical and contradicts previous statements. If the being Kal K. Korff were a witness in an earth-based court of law, his own testimony in the form of written word and video would contradict each other, thus eliminating the required credibility required of any being in such a proceeding.

Watcher Katu: Korff Observation 92645

I, your humble Watcher Katu, bring my latest observation of the being known as Kal K. Korff.

I have observed and found in the historical archives of The Watchers, that the being Kal K. Korff has made accusations, directly and indirectly, of racism and insults to the cultural heritage of other beings.

The being Kal K. Korff attacks the beings known as Paul Kimball, David Biedny, Royce Myers III, Kevin Randle, and Gene Steinberg. These beings all have one thing in common and that is they are of the anthropological classification of earth being known as a caucasian.

From this knowledge, are the actions of the being Kal K. Korff motivated perhaps by a hatred for those of the anthropological classification of caucasian? Does the being Kal K. Korff hate 'the man' or 'crackers'?

Your humble Watcher Katu is mystified at times be the earth being known as Kal K. Korff.

Watcher Katu: Korff Observation 84625

I, your humble Watcher Katu, have been observing much of your culture and have observed that earth beings often take song and associate such song with a particular person, place, or thing. At times these songs are associated with a being in honor or memory. Other times such song is directed toward a person to make what you would call 'a dis' on them.

With the being known as Kal K. Korff, I find the following song found on your earth Youtube.com befitting of the being known as Kal K. Korff in two ways. First, I believe that the song remarkably expresses how the earth being Kal K. Korff must feel since many other earth beings associate his activities with that of a circus clown, in that such activities are preposterous in a comedic yet emotionally sad manner. Secondly, I believe this clip to prove that any idiot with an earth device known as a video camera can place themselves in front of the world for all to see the true fool of one's being.

KORFF SOLVES ZODIAC MURDERS!

Your humble Watcher Katu reveals to you an unreleased piece of information found within the great historical archives of The Watchers. The earth being Kal K. Korff planned to release this information but did not. It is my task to enlighten you with this information.


For IMMEDIATE Release!
Korff SOLVES Infamous ZODIAC Murders!

Prague, Czech Republic

In a stunning turn of events after a decade-long investigation, the president and CEO of Critical Thinkers announced today that he has solved what has become known as the Zodiac Murders.

Beginning in 1968, a string of murders took place in California. The killer, only identifying himself as Zodiac, gripped California in fear after sending several letters to the San Francisco Chronicle newspaper. No suspects were ever arrested and to date the case remains open; until now!

Although only a teen when the Zodiac Murders took place, Korff has become the first person to ever definitively SOLVE the Zodiac slayings! Using computer reconstruction, forensics, pop-tarts, reading everyone else's work on the Zodiac killings, utilizing his 219 I.Q., deploying the endless resources of the Special Secret Services, tirelessly working the case from his cramped studio apartment while constantly bumping into his stuffed animals and Star Trek memorabilia collection, and wearing adult diapers so time he could dedicate to the case would not be wasted using the bathroom, Korff came up with a startling conclusion which anyone can independently verify.

"I am pleased to announce to the world my findings in this incredible case. I have found the Zodiac killer to be the one, the only, Zodiac," stated Korff.

Korff also stated to his lovable stuffed Klingon Beanie Baby, "Today I will begin a new initiative to solve all unsolved serial killings throughout the world. We will OFFICIALLY cooperate with law enforcement agencies worldwide, employ our incredible nanotechnology, and I will offer to all interested an unprecedented access to new and advanced technologies avilable through my secure Israeli e-mail account."

Korff also stated that Zodiac t-shirts, calendars, coffee mugs, and a three-hundred book series on the Zodiac killer would be available in forty-eight hours to consumers everywhere.

In recognition of his historic breakthrough, Korff will video tape himself in his bathroom and appear in multiple clips available for the world to see on YouTube.com to explain to the American people who Zodiac really was.

Korff is a noted author, lecturer, analyst, columnist, designer of the porta-potty, co-creator of the incredible fad of nail art, inventor of the salad shooter, a quack, a self appointed general, and is feared by terrorists and serial killers everywhere. Korff also houses the world's largest collection of Beanie Babies inside his studio apartment.

Watcher Katu: Korff Observation 81673

Many earth beings may recall observing a "speech" given by the being known as Kal K. Korff.

In consulting the historical archives of The Watchers, your humble Watcher Katu reveals to you for the first time, a look at the audience present during this event.

EXCLUSIVE! WATCHER KATU TO EXPOSE AND PROSECUTE KORFF!

It's OFFICIAL! Watcher Katu Granted Unprecedented Permission To EXPOSE and PROSECUTE Earth Being Kal K. Korff!

Watcher Katu to gather evidence and bring Kal K. Korff before the High Tribunal, Says Guilty Verdict is Certain

Daily Bugle, New York City

In a stunning revelation, the near omnipotent extraterrestrial known as the Watcher Katu revealed in an exclusive interview given to The Daily Bugle that he has been given unprecedented leave to physically participate in activities on this planet in order to bring what Katu refers to as "the vile earth being Kal K. Korff" to justice.

The Watchers are a species of galactic beings who have recorded the history of the universe throughout time and have sworn to not interfere in the events of the universe, but only record them as they happen. Only one other time has a Watcher ever participated in the outcome of a given event. The Watcher Uatu was tried by the High Tribunal, the officiating body overseeing and regulating the activity of all Watchers, after Uatu allegedly assisted the internationally famous Fantastic Four in defeating the world eater known as Galactus. Uatu was later allowed to return to being the Watcher of our galaxy and vowed to not directly interfere in any other activities.

The Watcher Katu was recently assigned to planet Earth for the specific reason of observing a man only identified as a Prague, Czech Republic resident named Kal K. Korff. Korff claims to be a Colonel in a secret anti-terrorism organization.

The Watcher Katu said, "In consulting with The One and the great historical archives of The Watchers, I bring to you news. I have been granted an unprecedented leave by The One and the High Tribunal to officially participate in your activities. This is an historic moment. This day brings to all beings a new initiative from The Watchers."

When asked why the Watchers would ever take an interest in a single person on our planet, the Watcher Katu replied, "My fellow earthlings are not the only beings in the universe to suffer from the delusions of a fool.

I have observed the earth being Kal K. Korff and see him as a bane to the existence of other earth beings I have found to be admirable and honest. Like my predecessor, Uatu, I cannot sit by and allow the injustices and cowardly acts of the being Kal K. Korff to continue."

Watcher Katu told The Daily Bugle that while he had sufficient evidence, he would continue collecting evidence, witness statements, and would hire KFC to conduct a thorough audit of the claims of Korff, including books written by Korff. "Much of what the being Kal K. Korff claims is not found in the historical archives of The Watchers. The earth being Kal K. Korff's guilt is certain and this process is a simple formality."

When asked by The Daily Bugle about the capabilities of KFC to conduct a thorough audit of Korff, Watcher Katu said, " While those under the employ of KFC are given compensation with the minimal monetary disbursement necessary under your earth laws, I have nothing but the highest of confidence that these earth beings belonging to KFC will be able to adequately match and exceed any resources the being known as Kal K. Korff has access to and are far superior intellectually than the being known as Kal K. Korff."

When asked about the pending audit of Korff, KFC founder Colonel Sanders, who was given his title by an elected official, Sanders stated, "We look forward to assisting the Watcher Katu and are working with our merchandising and licensing departments on Watcher Katu toys to incorporate into our kids meals to educate our young consumers and to foster universal relations. I closed this deal with Watcher Katu as I have always closed my deals: With a firm handshake and the honor between two men, er, a man and an extraterrestrial."

When asked about the claims that Korff holds the rank of Colonel, Sanders responded saying, "Never heard of him and I'm a real colonel. Oh, wait, I think I had a UFO nut who used to yell at my customers in the drive-thru that he was going to expose them all when he got their orders mixed up. I can't be sure if it was this Korff character though. And everyone knows I am the Colonel. Looks like I might have to file a copyright infringement. Gotta' go now, got a press conference and some chicken to fry using my secret recipe."

At press time, The Daily Bugle was unable to confirm many claims made by Korff including his claim of holding an official ranking in any anti-terrorism organization.

When contacted for comment by The Daily Bugle, Korff replied in an e-mail stating he would expose the Daily Bugle and would personally "SUE and EXPOSE J. Jonah Jameson" and would have Jameson extradited under "INTERNATIONAL LAW" and "WILL spare NO MERCY in obtaining a GUILTY verdict!" Jameson is, of course, the Editor in Chief and publisher of The Daily Bugle.

Watcher Katu: Korff Observation 43216

While The Watchers have resolved to not interfere directly in the events of other beings, short of our war with the beings known as the Celestials, I Katu am willing to face the consequences of my actions to bring what I feel is vital intelligence for the survival of all earth beings.

The earth being known as Kal K. Korff has assembled his army of Special Secret Services soldiers and is planning a massive assault against the earth beings Mac Tonnies, Paul Kimball, Royce Myers III, Kevin Randle, David Biedny, and other beings who disagree with the being Kal K. Korff.

I have included a visual reference of the being Kal K. Korff's army so that those who are targets of the being Kal K. Korff may be forewarned and make preparations for their defense against these sinister forces. Not since the devourer of planets Galactus have I feared greater for the survival of all beings. I will consult The One and the historical archives to see if I have made the correct decision to assist these earth beings.

I have shamefully underestimated the being Kal K. Korff and the evil plans of his Special Secret Services.

Watcher Katu: Korff Observation 27631

I, your humble Watcher Katu, find it my universal duty to share with you about the emotion known to earth beings as fear and those who cowardly attempt to manipulate such an emotion for their own agenda. The emotion of fear is universal and known to all beings. It is just a matter of how such beings react to fear that makes it unique from galaxy to galaxy, dimension to dimension.

The earth being known as Kal K. Korff feebly attempts to manipulate the fears of his fellow earth beings in a poorly contrived effort to bring comfort to his own fears. The being known as Kal K. Korff, as I have observed, takes perverse pleasure in his futile attempt to strike fear into those he proclaims have done him wrong. The being Kal K. Korff appears to be in a place of comfort in the city known on Earth as Prague. It is vividly clear to Katu that the earth being Kal K. Korff believes he can, free of all fear, continue to assert false accusations against others and can do so without counterstroke or consequence.

It is clear to Katu that the being known as Kal K. Korff would not have the courage to return to the geological location known as the United States of America on the planet Earth. The being Kal K. Korff is most certainly full of fear when the thought of ever returning to the United States of America enters his earth mind.

The fear of discovery of many of the deep, personal secrets surrounding the earth being Kal K. Korff are also of a priority concern to his being. But fear not my fellow beings of the universe. In time, all secrets will be revealed to all beings, even those secrets held in fear of discovery.

Watcher Katu: Korff Observation 23099

While researching the almighty historical archives of The Watchers, your humble Watcher Katu was perplexed to find the earth being Kal K. Korff stating to be what is known as the A-Bomb Kid.

According to the historical archives, an earth being student constructed a mock up of a nuclear device and was going to incorporate the device into an educational research paper he was required to complete so he may advance in his earth education.

This earth student was able to develop construction plans for a nuclear weapon by utilizing knowledge found in earth books available to everyone. Earth authorities in the United States known as the Federal Bureau of Investigation seized the materials from the student.

The earth being Kal K. Korff has claimed he is the being who became widely known as the A-Bomb Kid. A search of historical archives of The Watchers show that the being Kal K. Korff is not the A-Bomb Kid, but that the being known as John Aristotle Phillips is the true A-Bomb Kid.

This is perplexing to Katu, your humble Watcher, as to why earth beings must embellish about themselves. I shall issue more findings from the historical archives of The Watchers soon.

Watcher Katu: Korff Observation 239486

The earth being Kal K. Korff, whose name literally translates into the real language of The Watchers as Korfsukr, is rather an oddity among earth creatures. The being Kal K. Korff has made several attempts at historical revision, but he cannot and dares not attempt to corrupt the omnipotent power and historical archives of The Watchers.

I have observed that some of the activities Kal K. Korff states he is involved with are not truthful. Myself among many others know that Kal K. Korff had nothing to do with Secret Wars. The earth beings Captain America, Spider Man, the Hulk, the X-Men, and many others battled on an alien world created by the powerful Beyonder, yet Kal K. Korff was not present on either side of that war and Kal K. Korff's name is not in the historical archive for that important event. Kal K. Korff may attempt to rewrite history to suit his own needs, I have found that many of Kal K. Korff's assertions are not in the archives of The Watchers and I shall expose such assertions for the universe to see.