COMPOSITE ARTIST GIVES UPDATED LOOK AT FUGITIVE KORFF

Be on the look out for the man in the above police composite drawing. Korff was recently seen by witnesses digging in the garbage bin of a McDonald's restaurant near the city center of Prague. Korff is to be considered delusional and extremely hungry. Keep all food indoors and do not allow small pets or children to wander unattended. Do not allow your fingers to come within reach of Korff's mouth if you encounter him.

Korff is described by authorities as a fat little man with a chip the size of a Big Mac on his shoulder and an actual Big Man on his other shoulder. Korff sports a rather large ego accompanied by an even larger imagination and delusional state. Korff likes to play soccer and pretends to be a counter terrorism official, an author with a five-hundred book deal, a ballet instructor, an english teacher, a gnome, and an asshole though this has proved to be true.

Some distinguishing features on Korff are his rather loud mouth, his excessive speech, excessive hair all over his body except for his pubic area, a set of testicles that never dropped, and his ability to make excuses for every mistake he has ever made in his life while taking his insecurities out on others instead of being a man and owning up to his own problems. Korff was last seen sporting some very fashionable finger nail art and was giving a piggy-back ride to a white bald male subject who was yelling, "That's right! Who's your Billy bitch? I'm Semjase's daddy! Say it you pig! Faster you parasite! "

If you sight Korff, you are urged to call the international toll-free number to contact the three major agencies searching for Korff - Beanie Babies International Club, Iron Man and Stark Enterprises, and the One at 1-KAL-SUCKS-IT.

Korff's alleged wild antics were among the many cited reasons for Korff's banishment from the club. In accordance with the club's charter, any member who is voted out must surrender their entire Beanie Babies collection without delay. Upon completion of the vote, Korff barricaded himself inside a tiny apartment in Prague.

The club was then forced to dispatch its ultra secret special operations unit to take Korff into custody and take control of his Beanie Babies collection. An unidentified member of the special ops team said, "We used Beanie Baby Goatee Ram to bust in the door and Korff was no where to be found. How he got out sure as hell beats me."

When asked what was found inside the apartment, the unidentified person stated, "In my years I've seen nothing like it. Vaseline rubbed on the walls, hundreds of boxes of Bazooka Joe chewing gum, an entire collection of Soldiers of Fortune magazine with the eyes and mouths cut out on the covers, a bed of nails, a trampoline, and so much weird *&#%."

When asked about the Beanie Babies collection stored at Korff's residence, the special ops member was visibly shaken and refused to comment only saying, "There will be retribution."

Korff is now considered an international fugitive by the club. The club's president, Alana Hula Bear, said that the organization is currently in talks with the Watcher Katu and Iron Man about pooling resources to consolidate the focus of hunting Korff down.

More as this story continues to develop.

Watcher Katu: Korff Observation 99951

I, your humble Watcher Katu, come to you once again with another contradiction from the being Kal K. Korff. Within the historic archives of The Watchers, an entire sector of the historicarchives is preserved for the recording of the contradictions made by the being Kal K. Korff.

The being Kal K. Korff states the following - "Mockery and name calling are NOT legitimiate or credible forms of research."

Yet the being Kal K. Korff has referred to other people as "bozos", "clowns", and "the penis gallery" among other names. Yet another in a long list of contradictions stated by the being Kal K. Korff.

Korff BANNED from Beanie Babies International Club

It is OFFICIAL! Beanie Babies International Club Votes to BAN Korff!



New York City -- In yet another stunning turn of events, the president of the International Beanie Babies Club has held an emergency meeting regarding the membership status of long time club member Kal K. Korff.

Club president Alana Hula Bear told the press today, "I had to call the meeting due to the irrational behavior of Kal. The guy is making us look bad and that is not what we're about. I am shocked and dismayed at the abhorrent behavior Kal is displaying. And this business about being some officer in some sort of counter terror group? Well, let me just state for the record on behalf of Beanie Babies worldwide, it sounds like a bunch of monkey s**t to me."

In an unprecedented unanimous vote, the club chose to immediately revoke Korff's status and membership privileges including the right to choose from new and exclusive Beanie Babies before they hit the market.

"If you ask me the guy is quackers and we should have ousted him long ago," said club vice-president Jemima Puddle Duck. "This is a good thing for Beanie Babies all across the world. I can't just sit on a shelf collecting dust and let this go without some consequence."

American Blessing, one of a few new Beanie Babies produced in support of U.S. troops, said, "This guy had the brass to call one of our good fighting men a coward? The most he has likely ever served this country was asking someone if they wanted to super size their combo meal. What? Someone already used that line? Damn it. Okay, anyway, this Korff dude is a disgrace to my country and the troops in the field actually fighting real terrorism. The guy don;t even live in the world's greatest country. He chose to leave and I hope he don't come back ever again."

In addition to being banned from the club, Korff will also be forced to surrender his Beanie Babies collection, which is said to be one of the largest in the world. The collection is reported to be currently stored in a small studio apartment somewhere in Prague. Unconfirmed reports have emerged that Korff, upon hearing the news of being banned from the club, has barricaded himself in the apartment.

"Our organization just can't take this kind of heat right now. I mean, look at this mess with Iron Man, that bad dude the Living Tribunal, and the big tall guy with the bald head too big for his body watching everyone and taking notes. Do the math. Adios, Korff," stated a visibly upset Austin Backyardigan.

"This might not end well. I just hope Kal has the sense to know when he's outnumbered, outsmarted, and outclassed. If it comes to it, I am ready to call for an emergency deployment of our special operations unit," gravely said Alana Hula Bear.

Dark Blue Peanut the Elephant made a rare public appearance at the voting session. "It is sad to see this day. Kal has been a member of this club since the beginning. And now he's pulling this nutty crap and turning on us all? I just hope Kal ends this peacefully. This is a dark day in Beanie Baby history and I'm not sure we'll ever recover from the damage," stated Dark Blue Peanut Elephant, who is the rarest among Beanie Babies.

Reports just prior to press time indicate that Alana Hula Bear has dispatched the beanie Babies special operations unit to Prague. Updates as they are received-------

Watcher Katu: Korff Observation 29254

I your humble Watcher Katu, given permission to become directly involved in your earth affairs, reveal to you yet more astonishing information about the being known as Kal K. Korff and the Super Secret Services. For the first time this vital information found in the historical archives of The Watchers is made available to all Earth beings.

I reveal a top-secret surveillance satellite image showing the dreaded urban assault vehicle the Special Secret Services plan to unleash. In this image you can observe the being kal K. Korff arriving to transport secret agent Martina Tycova to a top-secret meeting of the Beanie Babies International Club.


This highly functional and technologically advanced vehicle is equipped with the latest weapons and electronic counter measure devices. Do not be deceived by its simple design or look. You have been warned.

Colonel Sanders Announces Plan To Release KFC Audit EXPOSING Korff

New York City (Daily Bugle) --

In a rush announcement made in front of members of the international press, Colonel Sanders announced that KFC would soon be releasing its audit of Kal K. Korff's claims. Colonel Sanders, accompanied by his audit staff as seen in the photo above, had little to say during the announcement.

"It ain't looking good at all for this Korff character. In addition to KFC's audit finding some real and embarrassing problems for Korff, I am also filing a lawsuit against Korff for using colonel in his title. Hell, everyone knows that I am the one and only true Colonel. My rank was officially given to me by a an official member of government. It wasn't cooked up in some deep fryer. I will expose Korff as the impostor he is!," said Colonel Sanders.

"I may sue this Korff fool here, maybe in Japan, who knows where. KFC has over fifteen-hundred stores worldwide so I can choose the time and place. With so many stores and the employees working those stores, it will be easy for my chicken empire's hand to reach out and touch this Korff joker," Colonel Sanders added.

Sanders quickly left the brief conference saying, "I got me an impostor to fry and I have the breading and spices to make it happen."

At press time, Kal K. Korff responded with a cryptic message saying something about a "toilet plunger" and a "toy Smurf."

The Daily Bugle will keep you updated as this story continues to unfold.

From the historical archives

I, your humble Watcher Katu, reveal to you the audience at the latest press conference held by the being Kal K. Korff. It is as you say on earth a captive audience.